Friday, July 31, 2009

The Wall of No's

I have some great news!! The A/C is back on! WooHoo!! However, I was given this heavenly breeze yesterday that made it bareable. That, my friends, was a blessing from God, INDEED!

This morning as I sat down in my very cool A/C, I decided to do my devotion. I had attempted this same devotion yesterday but just couldn't focus. The current devotion that I'm doing is incredible but sometimes it's over my head a little. Who says it's only blondes that are airheaded? LOL I'm here to prove that theory wrong. ...Okay, so I sit down, I pray and I try it again. The Lord just opened it up for me and I'm going to share that "opening up" with you :) Aren't you glad? LOL

"By the miracle of Redemption Saul of Tarsus was turned in one second from a strong-willed, intense Pharisee into a humble, devoted slave of the Lord Jesus" *

Well, for me it hasn't been a "one second conversion" at ALL. I'd say the belief has been a lifetime but the living it...well, the first thing I noticed being changed was my taste in music. Certain music made my skin crawl and I just couldn't listen to it anymore. So much for all those Pearl Jam tapes that I listened to at the time. That was over. Next came my mouth. He cleaned that up rather quickly, as far as curse words are concerned.

But my faith walk came in stages for the longest time. I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was around 14 but I didn't start trying to live for Him til I was in my early twenties. Then came a lull where I walked away. I didn't go to church, I was surrounded by people that believed but didn't LIVE it and there IS a difference.

Next, came The Weigh Down Workshop and WOW that totally sparked the spark again. I was in my late 20's at that time. I thought God had made a complete turn around and this lady was discribing someone completely new. This God was amazing and wasn't there with a pointed finger in your face and angry at you all the time. I grew closer to him with each passing day. He removed some things from my life that definitely needed to be removed, my love of food, another addiction that I needed to give up and I did. But then he asked me to give up cigarettes. Are you kidding me Lord?!?!

"But woe be to me if when I see HIM (meaning Jesus) I say---I will not. He will never insist that I do, but I have begun to sign the death warrant of the Son of God in my soul."*

And that's exactly what happened. I stopped the Weigh Down Workshop and stopped my nightly bible study. I picked everything I had lost back up again and lost Jesus in the process. I had said no, Jesus, I won't.

Fast forward several years, mid thirties, I believe, and I'm lead to a wonderful church. I fall in love with this church and the Lord let me know that this is where He wants me. I eventually fall in love with the people. The Lord brings new friendships to my life, a new love of church to my life and an actual ministry to my life (youth Sunday School). Everything is running smoothly, nothing stands out really until we hit the line on the timeline of a certain bible study that I took. I can't recall the name of the study but I remember it was about prayer. We were told to pick two people to pray for, people that we thought needed the Lord in their life. I picked them and then the next assignment was to send a card to those people telling them that they are being prayed for...Are you kidding me?!!? These people don't even LIKE me...I will not. And I didn't. It wasn't long after that a truck ran over my mailbox, just plowed it down. LOL I KNEW I had done it again, I had said no, Lord, I will not. I still believed, I still went to church but honestly, I didn't study His word like I should, I didn't pray like I should, I wasn't walking in His ways like I should. I was in a rut.

Fast forward a few years to now. We did the Jabez study as the last study before summer and boy did I LOVE that one. I decided to do what it said to pray that prayer for a month. It was amazing, my earlier blogs speak of that time. Everything was running so smoothly, my relationship with the Lord had been rekindled, I was flying HIGH and I was on the mountaintop again. I couldn't get enough of His word, I devoured it like I devour lasagna =0 and I could feel the Lord moving me, molding me, shaping me, making me truly His again. Well one night I got the thought to start going to prayer time on Tuesday mornings at church. The problem was, they started at 8am and I was normally getting up at that time on days I don't have to work. I didn't go...and things weren't terrible but I could feel a pulling away that I can't describe. I didn't know what it was but eventually it dawned on me. I had said it once again, Lord, I will not.

I will be at that prayer time next Tuesday morning, sleeping til 8 is just plain lazy anyway. I want to go where He sends me, I want to be His hands, be His feet and I don't want to ever say "No, I will not" to the Lord ever again. But above all, I don't want to lose Jesus again. There's a freedom and joy that you only experience when You are truly walking with Him that I don't want to not have. It's not the blessings that He rains over my life, it's HIM being IN my life, that I love. It's the fact that I can feel His pressence; that I know HE's in control if I will just do what He says! Ahhhh, the freedom of that, the fretlessness of knowing that He's in control!!

"It is a matter of indifference to God's grace how abominable I am if I come to the light; but woe be to me if I refuse the light."*

Oh Lord open our eyes to Your ways and Your will. Help us to see clearly the paths that You choose for us to take. Teach us to always say YES when You call. We ask that You give us the courage and the strength to stay always in Your sight, Your light and Your will. In Jesus Name we pray! Amen.


*Quotes from "My Utmost for His Highest"


  1. Beautiful girl! I still want to know what the big secret is and you know I will keep hounding you! LOL! Have a great day! :)

  2. Oh the secret...I haven't even told RUSTY!! But it is so GREAT, my mom...I can't wait til she knows =) Sunday is going to be a GREAT day for my mom =)